If You Love Sombody Set Them Free

A freaking hard thing to do, that. Setting someone free, someone you love. I made a promise earlier, to myself as much as to her, that I would not chain her down. We were talking about jealousy, and I promised to myself that I would control my jealousy over her. I'm a big one on keeping promises, also the ones I've made silently to myself and to no one else. Already when I was making that promise, though, I knew it was going to be difficult. I love her so much, I want to have her all for myself. Not good, I know. I know that I have a possessive streak in me, and I have worked a lot on it. But this time I was caught by surprise.

Yesterday she asked for the freedom I had promised her, and since I had so willingly promised it to her in our earlier conversation she had no reason to think I might not be ok with her request now. She told me later on that she had suspected that I might have problems with it; but this I did not know yet then. So, was I ok with it? Damn... I've never been so jealous before in my life. I walked around the apartment, sat down, jumped up, walked, walked, fire burning inside of me, eating me alive, suffocating me. Tears of pain, jealousy and even anger stang in my eyes.

The words I typed in answer to her, "it's ok", were honestly the hardest words I've ever written. They are such small, short words, yet I had to try several times to manage to type them, and the pain they caused inside me... it felt like I was ripping something open inside of me, tearing living, throbbing flesh -- my heart? And again I jumped up, walked around, tears rolling down my cheeks. She must have sensed my distress, the sweet creature she is. I was in a very bad place there, a dark and painful place, but she reached out to me and gave me a way out. I still feel that I did the wrong thing, finally telling her that I couldn't deal with it, asking her not to do it. But she did not blame me for it, on the contrary she was so sweet and understanding it aches my heart to think about it. What have I done to deserve someone like her?

I realised yesteday that I could have done it. I could have let go of her and given her her freedom. That would have killed something very beautiful inside of me, something that is merely awakening, but I could have done it. Yet I am infinitely grateful to her that she didn't ask for it. I would be able to let go of her, but I'm not sure I would survive the process myself.

Yes, she is more important to me than my own well being. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. We stayed up late -- late for me -- and talked about it. She said some very sweet things that I am not going to put here, but treasure in my heart instead. It is a magnificent feeling to have someone who really undestands you and accepts you.

What does the title mean, truly? If you love somebody set them free. Is it about loving them gently, holding loosely? Or simply not being overjealous? Or is it the hardest thing, letting go of them if they ask for it? How much freedom is enough in a relationship and what is too much? And who should decide that? I seem to have a lot of questions today, but few answers. Maybe I can come up with some answers over time. I hope so.