True Friendship

In my previous post I complained about friends who don't act like friends. This time I want to say thank yous.

I met her when I was 8 or 9 years old, I think. She was a tomboy and grew up to be a rather guy'ish woman. We became very good friends, and are that still. When I met her this summer she told me that a much bigger shock than whatever my identity is, was me telling her that I am planning to go to L.A. She said that she has seen over the years that there is something wrong with me, some inner turmoil I hadn't been able to talk about, and that she now sees how happy and content I am. She is very happy for me, and she accepts me as I am. Thank you!

Another old friend of mine I met when I was 10 or 11 years old. She has been a good and true friend who doesn't care what others might think of me, and subsequently of her in my company. You know how cruel kids can sometimes be. When I wasn't ready to talk about difficult things she waited patiently for a year for me to come around, and when I did talk to her she accepted me as I am, without a question or an attempt to change me. Thank you!

The only problem with these two friends is that they both live relatively far away so we don't see each other so often. But that doesn't seem to be a problem when we meet -- we simply take up as if there hasn't been more than a couple of days or a week since the previous meeting, even if it really has been a year or more.

The third person I want to mention is my best friend, my mate, my love, my girlfriend, my wife to be, my greatest and most wonderful treasure in the whole wide world. She listens to me when I need to talk and understands me often better than I do myself. Her ideals and interests are very similar to mine, and we have wonderful conversations. She enjoys the silly playful moods that seize us once in a while as much as I do. She seeks my help and support when she needs it. She is perfect for me. My soul mate, my princess. Thank you thank you thank you! I love you!

Friendship?

A friend of mine told me, when we were talking about me being a transsexual man, that he will always see me as a girl because that is what he got to know me as, no matter what I say or know I am. He told that straight to my face, and obviously expects me to understand and respect his views. It is an interesting statement. He chooses to see me as a girl even though I have told him that I am not, and ignores what I try to tell him. He has placed himself on a position where he sees fit to decide who and what I am regardless of who and what I really am. So nice to know that I have such a helpful and supportive friend, huh.

The very same friend seems to be deadly jealous of the book I am writing, wishing that it was his book. He tries to convince me that the book is not good and I am doing a bad job with it. Fortunately, I have other people giving me feedback on my book too, so that gives me some perspective to his comments. He seems convinced that, after having played the kind of online role playing games where each player in turn writes a bit of what their character does, he must be a much better writer than I am, I, who only have written like, hmmm, hundreds of pages of pretty good text even though I say so myself. A big case of jealousy and envy. How does friendship fare ladden with such -- usually -- negative feelings? Not well, I have to say. I have managed to be civil so far, but I do not know how long that will last.

Another friend of mine decided what she wants me to be, which is a feminine girl, and has worked hard over the years to make me that. That includes some pretty mean incidents with which I am not best pleased, though grateful in a certain way, because they have given me more insight into her character and the ways friendship between girls sometimes works. I have never really understood girls, even back when I thought I was one myself, and only now I am beginning to figure out some things that have been utter mysteries to me before. This friend I am talking about, having now obviously concluded that her efforts have been in vain, is bitching me about my new guyish looks and the change that has taken place in me, especially if there is someone else present so she can make mean remarks disguised as jokes to them in my presence. Thanks to my girlfriend who has helped me to understand the girl ways, I have learnt that that is girl talk, but I have trouble seeing it as friendship. Yes, she claims to be happy for me for she can't fail to see how much better I am doing now compared to those times when I desperately tried to be a girl, but she is not pleased. Why? Because she has lost her power over me. She is not in control of who and what I am any longer. She didn't manage to make me her toy. Why must friendship be a game of power and control? Of winning and losing? I cannot see that as friendship.

Yet another friend of mine, in this case a former friend, takes friendship as an excuse to continually complain about whatever is wrong with her life, whether it's the family (the child who ruined her body by being born) or the terrible monster of a mother in law she has or her own fragile health (she has complained about aching toes, and once she actually called her boyfriend to come get her because her nose twitched and she was afraid that she'd faint because of that) or whatever, and expects her friends to listen, listen and listen. Now, don't get me wrong, friends are there to support you and help you when you are going through something difficult or just need someone to talk to. I certainly don't mind listening if someone wants to talk, especially when I know that they will be there for me when I need them. But this girl took complaining to an extreme, as if the only things she was able to say were bad things, and she would never really listen to someone else if they wanted to talk. So it was a one way thing made heavy by her pessimistic and selfish views. She, the self-appointed centre of the world, wanted to complain and complain and take and take and never give. I suppose it is no wonder that she is a former friend now? Taking advantage of your friends and using them is not a very good way to keep them around. I wonder if the girl is still complaining about not having many friends? She used to, certainly.

How about my gay friends? Despite their kind words they pretty much abandoned me after I came out as a transman. Most of them are nice and polite when I see them, asking how I am doing and being friendly. Some of them simply ignore me and won't even greet me when we meet. Some of them, especially some of the lesbians who I used to be friendly with, seem very uncomfortable around me even when they try to be nice. So I count them out as friends. As simple as that.

Am I asking too much of friendship? Is it too much to ask for to hope for a friendship which is not based on games of power, or on controlling who and what your friends may be, or using them, or hating them for doing something better than you do? What happened to acceptance, mutual help and support, fun times together? What happened to trust and caring and kindness? Giving and taking in turn instead of only taking?

Wouldn't it be easier to accept your friends as they are instead of trying to change them to be what you want them to be? The problem is that no one likes to be wrong, and sometimes acceptance can feel like admitting to being wrong. So to avoid that many people are willing to go to unbelievable lengths to make sure they are right. Trying to force friends, family members and loved ones to be what they are "supposed" to be just to prove to the world and to themselves that they were right all along. Are we really that weak and selfish, us humans? Is admitting being wrong so difficult that we rather torment those close to us in order to make sure that we were right in whatever we decided to think of them?

A Rant In Between and Outside

I find myself in between. Nothing out of the ordinary for a trans person, but worth some thought, I think. The heteronormative society sees and treats me as lesbian because I look like one and like girls. They only see a female body that acts like a guy so she must be gay then, right? So, do I belong to the queer scene, then? Nope.

Now that I am out to my gay friends I find that I do not belong with them any more. They say that nothing has changed and that I belong with them as much as before, that I have as much right to be with them as before. But you know what. Spoken words are less than 10% of the message delivered. Meaning that the rest, more than 90%, is gestures, attitude, facial expressions, behaviour, unspoken things, even the way you speak the words. And I very clearly do not feel welcome. I, a straight guy, do not belong with them, my so-called gay friends. What an awful creature a straight guy is, and not just any straight guy but a straight white guy!

They might as well remove the T from their LGBTIQ, as far as I am concerned. No, I do not have the energy or any interest really to actively remind them of trans issues to make things happen. So partly my fault too. But unless I remind them, all they see is GAY. Not really even bi. But no, it's not my fight. My road leads me elsewhere, so other trans people can fight for acceptance within the queer community if they are interested in it. I am just ranting here.

So I find myself in state where I don't really belong to the straight society even though I am straight, but I get the negative side effects for being a straight guy. And I don't belong to the gay society but I get the negative side effects for appearing to be gay, a butch lesbian. So where are the positive sides of the deal? Beats me.

Ooh yeah, I'm so enjoying myself. Welcome to the marvellous trans world, huh. I'm not just in between. I'm outside. All alone in the f***ing rain. Well, not quite all alone. I have my sweet girlfriend. Love you Ashes!

Jealousy Vs. Envy

Many people use the expressions jealousy and envy interchangeably, although they are not synonymous. This doesn't happen only in English, but also in Finnish, possibly some other languages too. People don't seem to be quite clear about the difference. Here are some quick definitions. I am sure there are far better and more precise ones to be had, but these are enough for my purposes. When you are envious, you desire something someone else has, while jealousy makes you (possibly hostilely) possessive over something you consider yours. Neither of these is a very good thing, though one is less heinous than the other, and both have their uses.

Jealousy is generally viewed as a bad thing, and envy, while it is not exactly recommendable, is at least more understandable. But jealousy does have it uses too, as my girlfriend has pointed out to me. It simply must not get out of hand.

My girlfriend made an interesting discovery the other day. I've admitted earlier that I have issues with jealousy. But now Ashes realised that a great part of what I personally have taken as jealousy (a baaad baaad thing) is in fact envy. I am envious of other people spending time with my girl when I cannot be with her, or I have to share her company with someone else.

Yes, there is real jealousy there too, I feel the green eyed monster lurking over my shoulder all too often. But it was a relief to realise that I am not quite as bad as I thought. And it is also a wonderful thing that my girlfriend is so understanding. I never want to cage her, but yes, sometimes the green eyed monster makes me want to keep her all to myself and not to share her with even her friends. But only sometimes, and I am able to work on it and not let the jealousy rule me.

Hope, Trust, and Love

"Expect the worst and less than you want." That used to be my survival strategy for years. It made life easier, although not necessarily better. When you cut the wings of hope and don't let yourself dream, you won't be disapointed. That is how I survived for a long time, always preparing for the worst that could happen. Sure, it meant that I got some pleasant surprises when things worked out better than I expected. That happened quite often, in fact. But it also meant that too often I didn't get more than the "less" since I did not reach out to get more. I didn't dare to hope and risk being hurt.

I needed a survival strategy like that. I suppose you could argue that I had more than enough on my plate as it was, I couldn't deal with big disapointments. Whatever the case, it made my life if not better at least more bearable. But now it crushes me, breaks me down. Plunges me into the dark abyss of desperation. Expecting the worst to happen, expecting to get less than I want. For what is love about if not dreaming, hoping, wishing, wanting, needing, looking to the future? My old survival strategy has become a source of pain and desperation to me.

Or so it was until I talked to my girlfriend about it and she helped me through it. She taught me a new survival strategy, more fragile and vulnerable than the previous one, but infinitely more suitable to this situation: "Hope, Trust, and Love." Not as easy as expecting the worse, but it certainly makes me feel much better. Those are the words that I think about when the old desperation tries to take over me. Hope instead of pessimism, trust instead of distancing myself, love instead of wilful loneliness.

I never much dreamt, or day dreamt, or even hoped before. It was too painful for me, my wounds were too raw for me to dare venture into hoping and dreaming. That is something I am learning to do now, too. I'm looking to the future and I dare dream and hope. I'm even doing some day dreaming, though not much yet, I don't really have the time, tell you the truth. But I am working on it all, and it is wonderful. It is healthy. No more "worst" and "less" for me, I dare hope now, I dare trust, and most importantly, I dare love.

Goddess Beware!

Let's take the rant to the next level: Deities, nothing less.

The Sami are the indigenous people of Finland, Sweden, Norway and North-West Russia. Not so long ago they still led a nomadic life herding semi-domesticated reindeers. They also fished, hunted, traded their goods and later also farmed. How is this relevant here? I come from an old Sami family, so this is my heritage we are talking about. I could tell you tons of things, but actually I had one particular topic in mind: Mythology.

Among other deities and spirits the Sami have four important female deities, the Akka goddesses. Madderakka is a very ancient and highly respected goddess, the mother of mankind, and she has three daughters, the other Akka goddesses -- Sarakka, Juksakka and Uksakka. One of the most important roles of the Akka goddesses is to take care of the birthings of men and animals. Madderakka receives a soul from a supreme god, which according to some would be Radien who I personally interpret as a later form of the original thunder god, a very major deity for especially the Sami in the area of Finland. Madderakka hands the soul over to her daughters. Sarakka grows flesh around the soul in its mother's womb and makes sure the birthing goes well. Juksakka changes girlbabies into boys in the womb. (Yes, we perhaps see where this is leading...) Finally, after the baby is born, Uksakka looks after it and makes sure it doesn't hurt itself while playing or doing chores.

So. What can I say? Damn Juksakka, you missed me!!! You know, if you only have one single duty in the world and you are a goddess for crying out loud -- how difficult can it be to pay a little attention? Gaah. And here I am, stuck in a body I cannot stand. Thanks a lot. As I said earlier, this is my heritage. I'm Sami and damn it, I believe in the Mother Goddess. And her daughter does this to me?

One day I'm going to tell you about bears.

Just Another Guy

As an update to my process of becoming who I really am, I have noticed that some of my friends are changing the way they are acting towards me. These are some of my queer friends, and I am talking about my gender issues now. People are treating me like just another guy, and I love it. I love it so much. And these are people who don't even all know that I am trans, all they know is that I am a "girl" (although admittedly very butch-like one) and still they treat me like a guy, as one of the guys to be exact. So yeah, it seems they have guessed already. Cool.

I think I'll do the big coming out one of these days -- let the cat out of the bag so to speak, so we can talk about things more openly. The only reason I'm not out to everybody yet is that I don't really have a need to talk about it. I'm dealing with it myself, and I'm talking to my girlfriend and some other wonderful people online. In general, I simply don't like talking about my personal stuff, and especially I hate whining. Yeah, your typical guy, I know. Talking is a problem for me. That's how I've always been -- I deal with the issue first, then (maybe) I can talk about it. It can be very hard if it is a painful and difficult matter, and I've had more than enough of those in my life. Depression, hating myself, self harm, suicidical thoughts, to mention some of the issues I've dealt with. Talking is difficult, but I've learnt to talk to one very special person, so I'm much better off now. Yes, that person is my girlfriend. Not very surprising, huh. Well, she's sweet.

It seems that some people are starting to gender me correctly, not everyone yet, but some are. So I think it's about time to talk about it and that way give others permission to talk about it as well. Yes, about time.