In my previous post I complained about friends who don't act like friends. This time I want to say thank yous.
I met her when I was 8 or 9 years old, I think. She was a tomboy and grew up to be a rather guy'ish woman. We became very good friends, and are that still. When I met her this summer she told me that a much bigger shock than whatever my identity is, was me telling her that I am planning to go to L.A. She said that she has seen over the years that there is something wrong with me, some inner turmoil I hadn't been able to talk about, and that she now sees how happy and content I am. She is very happy for me, and she accepts me as I am. Thank you!
Another old friend of mine I met when I was 10 or 11 years old. She has been a good and true friend who doesn't care what others might think of me, and subsequently of her in my company. You know how cruel kids can sometimes be. When I wasn't ready to talk about difficult things she waited patiently for a year for me to come around, and when I did talk to her she accepted me as I am, without a question or an attempt to change me. Thank you!
The only problem with these two friends is that they both live relatively far away so we don't see each other so often. But that doesn't seem to be a problem when we meet -- we simply take up as if there hasn't been more than a couple of days or a week since the previous meeting, even if it really has been a year or more.
The third person I want to mention is my best friend, my mate, my love, my girlfriend, my wife to be, my greatest and most wonderful treasure in the whole wide world. She listens to me when I need to talk and understands me often better than I do myself. Her ideals and interests are very similar to mine, and we have wonderful conversations. She enjoys the silly playful moods that seize us once in a while as much as I do. She seeks my help and support when she needs it. She is perfect for me. My soul mate, my princess. Thank you thank you thank you! I love you!
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Friendship?
A friend of mine told me, when we were talking about me being a transsexual man, that he will always see me as a girl because that is what he got to know me as, no matter what I say or know I am. He told that straight to my face, and obviously expects me to understand and respect his views. It is an interesting statement. He chooses to see me as a girl even though I have told him that I am not, and ignores what I try to tell him. He has placed himself on a position where he sees fit to decide who and what I am regardless of who and what I really am. So nice to know that I have such a helpful and supportive friend, huh.
The very same friend seems to be deadly jealous of the book I am writing, wishing that it was his book. He tries to convince me that the book is not good and I am doing a bad job with it. Fortunately, I have other people giving me feedback on my book too, so that gives me some perspective to his comments. He seems convinced that, after having played the kind of online role playing games where each player in turn writes a bit of what their character does, he must be a much better writer than I am, I, who only have written like, hmmm, hundreds of pages of pretty good text even though I say so myself. A big case of jealousy and envy. How does friendship fare ladden with such -- usually -- negative feelings? Not well, I have to say. I have managed to be civil so far, but I do not know how long that will last.
Another friend of mine decided what she wants me to be, which is a feminine girl, and has worked hard over the years to make me that. That includes some pretty mean incidents with which I am not best pleased, though grateful in a certain way, because they have given me more insight into her character and the ways friendship between girls sometimes works. I have never really understood girls, even back when I thought I was one myself, and only now I am beginning to figure out some things that have been utter mysteries to me before. This friend I am talking about, having now obviously concluded that her efforts have been in vain, is bitching me about my new guyish looks and the change that has taken place in me, especially if there is someone else present so she can make mean remarks disguised as jokes to them in my presence. Thanks to my girlfriend who has helped me to understand the girl ways, I have learnt that that is girl talk, but I have trouble seeing it as friendship. Yes, she claims to be happy for me for she can't fail to see how much better I am doing now compared to those times when I desperately tried to be a girl, but she is not pleased. Why? Because she has lost her power over me. She is not in control of who and what I am any longer. She didn't manage to make me her toy. Why must friendship be a game of power and control? Of winning and losing? I cannot see that as friendship.
Yet another friend of mine, in this case a former friend, takes friendship as an excuse to continually complain about whatever is wrong with her life, whether it's the family (the child who ruined her body by being born) or the terrible monster of a mother in law she has or her own fragile health (she has complained about aching toes, and once she actually called her boyfriend to come get her because her nose twitched and she was afraid that she'd faint because of that) or whatever, and expects her friends to listen, listen and listen. Now, don't get me wrong, friends are there to support you and help you when you are going through something difficult or just need someone to talk to. I certainly don't mind listening if someone wants to talk, especially when I know that they will be there for me when I need them. But this girl took complaining to an extreme, as if the only things she was able to say were bad things, and she would never really listen to someone else if they wanted to talk. So it was a one way thing made heavy by her pessimistic and selfish views. She, the self-appointed centre of the world, wanted to complain and complain and take and take and never give. I suppose it is no wonder that she is a former friend now? Taking advantage of your friends and using them is not a very good way to keep them around. I wonder if the girl is still complaining about not having many friends? She used to, certainly.
How about my gay friends? Despite their kind words they pretty much abandoned me after I came out as a transman. Most of them are nice and polite when I see them, asking how I am doing and being friendly. Some of them simply ignore me and won't even greet me when we meet. Some of them, especially some of the lesbians who I used to be friendly with, seem very uncomfortable around me even when they try to be nice. So I count them out as friends. As simple as that.
Am I asking too much of friendship? Is it too much to ask for to hope for a friendship which is not based on games of power, or on controlling who and what your friends may be, or using them, or hating them for doing something better than you do? What happened to acceptance, mutual help and support, fun times together? What happened to trust and caring and kindness? Giving and taking in turn instead of only taking?
Wouldn't it be easier to accept your friends as they are instead of trying to change them to be what you want them to be? The problem is that no one likes to be wrong, and sometimes acceptance can feel like admitting to being wrong. So to avoid that many people are willing to go to unbelievable lengths to make sure they are right. Trying to force friends, family members and loved ones to be what they are "supposed" to be just to prove to the world and to themselves that they were right all along. Are we really that weak and selfish, us humans? Is admitting being wrong so difficult that we rather torment those close to us in order to make sure that we were right in whatever we decided to think of them?
The very same friend seems to be deadly jealous of the book I am writing, wishing that it was his book. He tries to convince me that the book is not good and I am doing a bad job with it. Fortunately, I have other people giving me feedback on my book too, so that gives me some perspective to his comments. He seems convinced that, after having played the kind of online role playing games where each player in turn writes a bit of what their character does, he must be a much better writer than I am, I, who only have written like, hmmm, hundreds of pages of pretty good text even though I say so myself. A big case of jealousy and envy. How does friendship fare ladden with such -- usually -- negative feelings? Not well, I have to say. I have managed to be civil so far, but I do not know how long that will last.
Another friend of mine decided what she wants me to be, which is a feminine girl, and has worked hard over the years to make me that. That includes some pretty mean incidents with which I am not best pleased, though grateful in a certain way, because they have given me more insight into her character and the ways friendship between girls sometimes works. I have never really understood girls, even back when I thought I was one myself, and only now I am beginning to figure out some things that have been utter mysteries to me before. This friend I am talking about, having now obviously concluded that her efforts have been in vain, is bitching me about my new guyish looks and the change that has taken place in me, especially if there is someone else present so she can make mean remarks disguised as jokes to them in my presence. Thanks to my girlfriend who has helped me to understand the girl ways, I have learnt that that is girl talk, but I have trouble seeing it as friendship. Yes, she claims to be happy for me for she can't fail to see how much better I am doing now compared to those times when I desperately tried to be a girl, but she is not pleased. Why? Because she has lost her power over me. She is not in control of who and what I am any longer. She didn't manage to make me her toy. Why must friendship be a game of power and control? Of winning and losing? I cannot see that as friendship.
Yet another friend of mine, in this case a former friend, takes friendship as an excuse to continually complain about whatever is wrong with her life, whether it's the family (the child who ruined her body by being born) or the terrible monster of a mother in law she has or her own fragile health (she has complained about aching toes, and once she actually called her boyfriend to come get her because her nose twitched and she was afraid that she'd faint because of that) or whatever, and expects her friends to listen, listen and listen. Now, don't get me wrong, friends are there to support you and help you when you are going through something difficult or just need someone to talk to. I certainly don't mind listening if someone wants to talk, especially when I know that they will be there for me when I need them. But this girl took complaining to an extreme, as if the only things she was able to say were bad things, and she would never really listen to someone else if they wanted to talk. So it was a one way thing made heavy by her pessimistic and selfish views. She, the self-appointed centre of the world, wanted to complain and complain and take and take and never give. I suppose it is no wonder that she is a former friend now? Taking advantage of your friends and using them is not a very good way to keep them around. I wonder if the girl is still complaining about not having many friends? She used to, certainly.
How about my gay friends? Despite their kind words they pretty much abandoned me after I came out as a transman. Most of them are nice and polite when I see them, asking how I am doing and being friendly. Some of them simply ignore me and won't even greet me when we meet. Some of them, especially some of the lesbians who I used to be friendly with, seem very uncomfortable around me even when they try to be nice. So I count them out as friends. As simple as that.
Am I asking too much of friendship? Is it too much to ask for to hope for a friendship which is not based on games of power, or on controlling who and what your friends may be, or using them, or hating them for doing something better than you do? What happened to acceptance, mutual help and support, fun times together? What happened to trust and caring and kindness? Giving and taking in turn instead of only taking?
Wouldn't it be easier to accept your friends as they are instead of trying to change them to be what you want them to be? The problem is that no one likes to be wrong, and sometimes acceptance can feel like admitting to being wrong. So to avoid that many people are willing to go to unbelievable lengths to make sure they are right. Trying to force friends, family members and loved ones to be what they are "supposed" to be just to prove to the world and to themselves that they were right all along. Are we really that weak and selfish, us humans? Is admitting being wrong so difficult that we rather torment those close to us in order to make sure that we were right in whatever we decided to think of them?
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