Hope, Trust, and Love

"Expect the worst and less than you want." That used to be my survival strategy for years. It made life easier, although not necessarily better. When you cut the wings of hope and don't let yourself dream, you won't be disapointed. That is how I survived for a long time, always preparing for the worst that could happen. Sure, it meant that I got some pleasant surprises when things worked out better than I expected. That happened quite often, in fact. But it also meant that too often I didn't get more than the "less" since I did not reach out to get more. I didn't dare to hope and risk being hurt.

I needed a survival strategy like that. I suppose you could argue that I had more than enough on my plate as it was, I couldn't deal with big disapointments. Whatever the case, it made my life if not better at least more bearable. But now it crushes me, breaks me down. Plunges me into the dark abyss of desperation. Expecting the worst to happen, expecting to get less than I want. For what is love about if not dreaming, hoping, wishing, wanting, needing, looking to the future? My old survival strategy has become a source of pain and desperation to me.

Or so it was until I talked to my girlfriend about it and she helped me through it. She taught me a new survival strategy, more fragile and vulnerable than the previous one, but infinitely more suitable to this situation: "Hope, Trust, and Love." Not as easy as expecting the worse, but it certainly makes me feel much better. Those are the words that I think about when the old desperation tries to take over me. Hope instead of pessimism, trust instead of distancing myself, love instead of wilful loneliness.

I never much dreamt, or day dreamt, or even hoped before. It was too painful for me, my wounds were too raw for me to dare venture into hoping and dreaming. That is something I am learning to do now, too. I'm looking to the future and I dare dream and hope. I'm even doing some day dreaming, though not much yet, I don't really have the time, tell you the truth. But I am working on it all, and it is wonderful. It is healthy. No more "worst" and "less" for me, I dare hope now, I dare trust, and most importantly, I dare love.

Goddess Beware!

Let's take the rant to the next level: Deities, nothing less.

The Sami are the indigenous people of Finland, Sweden, Norway and North-West Russia. Not so long ago they still led a nomadic life herding semi-domesticated reindeers. They also fished, hunted, traded their goods and later also farmed. How is this relevant here? I come from an old Sami family, so this is my heritage we are talking about. I could tell you tons of things, but actually I had one particular topic in mind: Mythology.

Among other deities and spirits the Sami have four important female deities, the Akka goddesses. Madderakka is a very ancient and highly respected goddess, the mother of mankind, and she has three daughters, the other Akka goddesses -- Sarakka, Juksakka and Uksakka. One of the most important roles of the Akka goddesses is to take care of the birthings of men and animals. Madderakka receives a soul from a supreme god, which according to some would be Radien who I personally interpret as a later form of the original thunder god, a very major deity for especially the Sami in the area of Finland. Madderakka hands the soul over to her daughters. Sarakka grows flesh around the soul in its mother's womb and makes sure the birthing goes well. Juksakka changes girlbabies into boys in the womb. (Yes, we perhaps see where this is leading...) Finally, after the baby is born, Uksakka looks after it and makes sure it doesn't hurt itself while playing or doing chores.

So. What can I say? Damn Juksakka, you missed me!!! You know, if you only have one single duty in the world and you are a goddess for crying out loud -- how difficult can it be to pay a little attention? Gaah. And here I am, stuck in a body I cannot stand. Thanks a lot. As I said earlier, this is my heritage. I'm Sami and damn it, I believe in the Mother Goddess. And her daughter does this to me?

One day I'm going to tell you about bears.