A Rant In Between and Outside

I find myself in between. Nothing out of the ordinary for a trans person, but worth some thought, I think. The heteronormative society sees and treats me as lesbian because I look like one and like girls. They only see a female body that acts like a guy so she must be gay then, right? So, do I belong to the queer scene, then? Nope.

Now that I am out to my gay friends I find that I do not belong with them any more. They say that nothing has changed and that I belong with them as much as before, that I have as much right to be with them as before. But you know what. Spoken words are less than 10% of the message delivered. Meaning that the rest, more than 90%, is gestures, attitude, facial expressions, behaviour, unspoken things, even the way you speak the words. And I very clearly do not feel welcome. I, a straight guy, do not belong with them, my so-called gay friends. What an awful creature a straight guy is, and not just any straight guy but a straight white guy!

They might as well remove the T from their LGBTIQ, as far as I am concerned. No, I do not have the energy or any interest really to actively remind them of trans issues to make things happen. So partly my fault too. But unless I remind them, all they see is GAY. Not really even bi. But no, it's not my fight. My road leads me elsewhere, so other trans people can fight for acceptance within the queer community if they are interested in it. I am just ranting here.

So I find myself in state where I don't really belong to the straight society even though I am straight, but I get the negative side effects for being a straight guy. And I don't belong to the gay society but I get the negative side effects for appearing to be gay, a butch lesbian. So where are the positive sides of the deal? Beats me.

Ooh yeah, I'm so enjoying myself. Welcome to the marvellous trans world, huh. I'm not just in between. I'm outside. All alone in the f***ing rain. Well, not quite all alone. I have my sweet girlfriend. Love you Ashes!

Jealousy Vs. Envy

Many people use the expressions jealousy and envy interchangeably, although they are not synonymous. This doesn't happen only in English, but also in Finnish, possibly some other languages too. People don't seem to be quite clear about the difference. Here are some quick definitions. I am sure there are far better and more precise ones to be had, but these are enough for my purposes. When you are envious, you desire something someone else has, while jealousy makes you (possibly hostilely) possessive over something you consider yours. Neither of these is a very good thing, though one is less heinous than the other, and both have their uses.

Jealousy is generally viewed as a bad thing, and envy, while it is not exactly recommendable, is at least more understandable. But jealousy does have it uses too, as my girlfriend has pointed out to me. It simply must not get out of hand.

My girlfriend made an interesting discovery the other day. I've admitted earlier that I have issues with jealousy. But now Ashes realised that a great part of what I personally have taken as jealousy (a baaad baaad thing) is in fact envy. I am envious of other people spending time with my girl when I cannot be with her, or I have to share her company with someone else.

Yes, there is real jealousy there too, I feel the green eyed monster lurking over my shoulder all too often. But it was a relief to realise that I am not quite as bad as I thought. And it is also a wonderful thing that my girlfriend is so understanding. I never want to cage her, but yes, sometimes the green eyed monster makes me want to keep her all to myself and not to share her with even her friends. But only sometimes, and I am able to work on it and not let the jealousy rule me.