Days of Dust

Some days you can just taste it in your mouth. The dust. When everything goes to hell and nothing seems to feel ok. Desperation and anxiety lurking over your shoulder, you would just want to curl up in your bed and try to sleep. Just let the world happen on its own. Why does it need your daily input in any case? One of those days. Yes.

Let me introduce myself. I am DeimosW, a transman, an FtM, whatever. I'm still pre-everything, and that fact is eating me inside out. I once promised myself that I would never have a blog, but... Well. The thing is, that this road is so hard and depressing that I need a place where I can vent my feelings a little. So I'm trying a blog. Maybe it'll help. And who knows, maybe it can even help some other transpeople in the world.

I'm having one of my days of dust. The past few days I've been on a roller coaster of emotions, going from happy to depressed, from content to feeling like I'm a failure, from compassionate to so anxious that I can hardly breathe. And yet the day hasn't been so bad, really. A more or less normal day -- some screw ups, some successes, you know how it is. A normal day. And still I'm moping around like an angsty teenager (ahem, I'm like 30+). The underlying problem behind all of this are of course my gender issues.

Ever wondered what it feels like when you've born in the wrong body? What it feels like being an outsider? What it feels like when you hate yourself and your body so much that it makes normal social life difficult? No, being trans really isn't a pleasure trip. Neither is it an exotic and interesting way of life. Don't envy me. But don't pity me, either. I don't need your sympathy. What do I want, then? Acceptance, understanding maybe. Someone to listen to my rants when I need to vent. Nothing much, really.