Hope, Trust, and Love

"Expect the worst and less than you want." That used to be my survival strategy for years. It made life easier, although not necessarily better. When you cut the wings of hope and don't let yourself dream, you won't be disapointed. That is how I survived for a long time, always preparing for the worst that could happen. Sure, it meant that I got some pleasant surprises when things worked out better than I expected. That happened quite often, in fact. But it also meant that too often I didn't get more than the "less" since I did not reach out to get more. I didn't dare to hope and risk being hurt.

I needed a survival strategy like that. I suppose you could argue that I had more than enough on my plate as it was, I couldn't deal with big disapointments. Whatever the case, it made my life if not better at least more bearable. But now it crushes me, breaks me down. Plunges me into the dark abyss of desperation. Expecting the worst to happen, expecting to get less than I want. For what is love about if not dreaming, hoping, wishing, wanting, needing, looking to the future? My old survival strategy has become a source of pain and desperation to me.

Or so it was until I talked to my girlfriend about it and she helped me through it. She taught me a new survival strategy, more fragile and vulnerable than the previous one, but infinitely more suitable to this situation: "Hope, Trust, and Love." Not as easy as expecting the worse, but it certainly makes me feel much better. Those are the words that I think about when the old desperation tries to take over me. Hope instead of pessimism, trust instead of distancing myself, love instead of wilful loneliness.

I never much dreamt, or day dreamt, or even hoped before. It was too painful for me, my wounds were too raw for me to dare venture into hoping and dreaming. That is something I am learning to do now, too. I'm looking to the future and I dare dream and hope. I'm even doing some day dreaming, though not much yet, I don't really have the time, tell you the truth. But I am working on it all, and it is wonderful. It is healthy. No more "worst" and "less" for me, I dare hope now, I dare trust, and most importantly, I dare love.